I’m type A. For those of you who don’t know me very well, this is a very big part of my personality. VERY BIG. I’m super organized, OCD, and I like to keep everything in my life organized into boxes. In fact, I’m so type A I’m writing a blog post about my New Years Resolutions four days early, because I’m already thinking about them. And I LOVE New Years Resolutions.
And I HATE New Years Resolutions.
Because here’s the thing: every time something new in my life happens (new school year, new year, new age, new month, etc.), I create a few new life-changing event resolutions. For example: every time I fill a journal and get a new one, I make a “resolution” to fill the new one faster, and to write in it more. Almost as if I’m trying to make up for what I failed at with my last journal, which was writing in it frequently. And that’s how I am with the new year.
I create multiple resolutions: I’m gonna work at x times a week, I’m gonna read my bible more (yes – I have actually brought Jesus into my resolutions!), I’m gonna eat less fast food, I’m gonna study more, etc.. And that makes me feel really good about myself, because for a while, I do all of these things…
Until I don’t.
I explained it like this once: I feel like in my life, I’m carrying on my shoulders everything: school, cheer, friends, family, boyfriend, Jesus, clubs, and for the most part, I can hold it all together. But then, out of nowhere, I trip, and I drop school, which causes cheer to slip out of my hands too, and then everything falls, and it takes me days, sometimes weeks to pick them up again. Whenever this happens I suddenly feel like I can’t do anything right, whereas three weeks before I thought I had my whole life together.
This is how New Years Resolutions often are for me. I try to carry more bible reading, less fast food, more studying, and more exercise until I trip, loose it all, feel horrible about myself by February.
So here’s my New Years Resolution this year: to not have a New Years Resolution. Because one of things that I am learning to do is give God everything that I am trying to carry, and to not make Him one of the things that I carry. I will never be able to successfully carry the different aspects of my life without tripping. And God will never be satisfied just being another box I try to organize. He’s bigger than that, and he’s bigger than me. Thank goodness.
“Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 10:28